Sunday, September 07, 2008

Extended Hiatus.

This is one of the hardest posts i have had to write. I stopped playing WOW not long after I posted last. It wasn't the game driving me away. I found that while playing the game I was losing my family. I decided it was time for a real change in my habits.

I was pretty much as close as you could come to losing my wife, no scratch that, she was leaving. No joke. I believed her, and still do. I know it’s not only possible for her to leave but real, where there would be no going back. I decided after I was given the news that she was leaving that I would not give up with out a fight. She did not set any conditions for staying. She was leaving. I took the initiative on my own to prove that I was not just a lump, that I could in fact maintain a relationship with her. I was under no impressions that what I was doing would win her back; I did it because it was the right thing to do. I made a promise to myself that I would be a better husband and father. She would have none of the husband part. She liked the better father part but basicly told me to leave her out of it. Focus on the kids was all she wanted from me. So I did.

It was rough the first few weeks, knowing that she was leaving and nothing I could do would stop it. I was miserable all the time. Amazing how much you miss something when you know it’s going to be taken away from you. I lost a ton of weight since I couldn't eat and felt like shit. Part of it was prolly the loss of anything worthwhile to take my mind off my troubles. I canceled my account and deleted all WOW files off my computer just to make it harder to restart playing. I wouldn’t even watch the damn game if someone else was playing.
Another side effect of no WOW, I actually left my computer room and played with my kids. Weird, I didn't know what I was missing. Now I do. I felt an feel that I can’t really return to WOW fully, or as fully as I can with my new life schedule, until I can regulate myself properly as befitting a logical and responsible parent/husband. I am working toward that. I still want to play WoW, it’s a damn fine game and nothing I have found in 8 months measures up to the satisfaction and emersion and pure entertainment of WoW. To bad for the other guys. I would have returned to console games if there had been anything to spark my interest.

I have managed to reconnect with my kids. I spend more time with them now then I have in a long time. I have learned and will keep learning how to be a better father. I have taken steps to make sure that perhaps my kids wont be as big into video games as I have always been. We have never liked them watching TV or playing on the computers all that much before and now its been even more pressed upon them to get out an play in the yard or down the street with the neighbor kids. Anything to get them active and outside. With the wife working mostly nighttime shifts it has been me who has been fixing dinner and putting the kids to bed. I have gotten used to no leisure activities for me until after 8pm or so. Usually I will stay up till midnight just for some time to myself.

I did not foresee what else would come from my being away from WoW would do, and what being a better father and man would bring me. By not trying to do anything to force a mind change on my wife an just being what I should have been all along, I managed to catch my wife's affections once again, mostly by being here and stepping up to the responsibilities that are part of being a Father and Husband. I listen and actually hear her when she tells me about her day. I don’t give her sarcasm at every turn if she complains about something. I am genuinely interested in how her day was.

In the beginning it was for show, I admit. I was to far into my own depression to really worry about anyone else. My selfishness was quite paramount in my worldview, meaning there was really no one else but me in my little torment world. Gradually I came to accept that she was leaving and that it was in fact my fault for not living up to what I had promised. Once I was sure it was over and nothing I could do would stop it, I started doing what I should have done before, i.e. the listening and hearing and being a friend. Doing the little things that sometimes get dropped from long-term friendships and associations. Hugs and touches, smiles and kind words. Doing things just to be nice or to make someone feel happy just to do it. I started doing all the things that had attracted my wife to me in the first place. It was hard continuing it since every time I did do something that sparked her interest in me, she would reiterate that she was leaving. This hurt alot, not that I figured a few good days would reverse all the pain and anger, but it wasn’t understood by her that I was not doing all this stuff in order to change her mind. It didn't help any that she couldn't keep her hands off me. I would go all day with just a small touch or brush of her fingers on my arm. Pathetic I know, but a really do love my wife an I felt the distance keenly. No amount of telling could convince her that I was doing what I was doing because she deserved it from me. Plain and simple. I dropped the ball and no one else was to blame.
I continued with what I set out to do, being a better father and husband, even though one would stop and the other would be a once every few week’s deal. I maintained what relationships I had with my kids and tried to salvage a friendship I didn’t want to lose.

Somewhere alone the way my wife fell back in love with me. She tells me its different this time and I believe her. I feel different too; I don’t feel like the person I was before. I still spend the majority of my days with my kids, but now my nights are more taken up with spending time with my wife as we rebuild our marriage. It is still a marriage. We do things together, we have time just for us without the kids or our work or games or any thing that could interrupt us just being together. She has shown me that she trusts me again, even letting me play a little toon on her account; btw she rarely plays anymore either. Mostly cuz she’s spending so much time with me. I think its great. We still have some wounds to heal, but that are doing that. Healing. I love my wife an kids. I love WoW, but not as much as I used to. Maybe in that I will one day be able to crank up my old account and wreak havoc on the legions of the enemy.

I have jumped online to talk to guildies a few times and all keep asking when I will return, those that knew of our marital problems ask after that. I tell them all the same thing, yeah I will return to WoW, but not anytime soon. I have set myself a date perhaps two months after WotLK goes live. Maybe.

I'd have to go dig out my copies of the game or fork over forty to sixty buck for a new copy. Meh, digging through all my storage junk is not very appealing so I will prolly fork over the cash.

Before I left the game I had gone ahead with a respec. I may write up another entry about my adventures as a Prot pally at some point before comming back. Yeah I went prot on Gawds and got geared enough to tank Rage in Hyjal....for the last 20 secs of the fight. Yeah bitches. Gawds rocks ass. We shall see what the future holds for a Prot pally named Gawdsicon and a Gnome rouge named Mindkiller, perhaps a long overdue entry concerning a lost hunter named Jolygreen and his bear Coat.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Really happy your back on track. Family > WoW, always. Your post made me choke up, I really am happy for you, even though we have never met or spoken.

All the best for you, your family, and your wife.